and into ashes all my lust

fuckin

why am I like this? Like, I always let this happen.

I always feel the same way, and so I know it gets better, and that in the end of the day I don't really care as much as I thought I did. That doesn't change the fact that my stupid illogical girl-brain is itself.

The world is a game of Poker, and I'd be extremely good at it, if I weren't playing with fucking idiots. And I'm not talking about how I'm smarter than everyone else, it's just that when you're playing poker with someone who doesn't know how to play poker you're overthinking everything they do, when really, they've no strategy at all. Really, you're not even playing the same game.

If not speaking to me was a double bluff, playing the game, I'd allow it. But there is no fucking game, it's literally all in my head and I'm the only one playing.

it doesn't even make sense. it's like some cruel mind-trick that makes me want someone for the sole reason that they don't want me. it's literally not like there's anything else there that i couldn't get the same of, or better, elsewhere. So why does my life feel like it's revolving around STUPID CUNT COW FUCK SHIT WANG. I've never said wang before. new low.s

I expect too much of people, maybe because of you, michael, for raising my hopes and intensifying my belief in romance

Conor's infiltrated my subconscious now as well, so aside from seeing his phantom apparition literally EVERYWHERE I FUCKING GO, there's not a night that goes by without me dreaming of him, too. 

AGH SO FRUSTRATED

and miserable

like, why, even? This always happens to me. It's like a side effect of ... something.