SO many posts today. But I don't care, It's my blo-og and I'll post if I want to, post if I want to...
I have had lots of short-term boyfriends, and love-interests and crushes in my life and about 8 of them were serious/long-term. Here is where I describe them and what became of them and try to spot the patterns. Here is where some of my mystery is unpacked, and you maybe understand why I'm so ambiguous all the time. Here is where you're maybe a little disillusioned with me. NB-numbers are entirely unrelated to any previous series of numbers written, ever.
1. combat pants.My first love. 2 years plus and I was probably too young to start a lot of the serious adult relationship stuff. I lost my virginity to him, he wasn't a virgin. He was...into punk rock and smoking, and smoking weed, and drugs and motorbikes. It was good for a very long time until my naivety kind of wore away, I saw his interest in other girls, his lack of interest in anything academic, the effect of the drugs... but it was too painful for me to let go so the relationship drew out longer until he eventually broke it off. By text, no less. Every time I get my heart broken I revisit this moment because it seemed like the end of the world and I went a little nuts for a while but in the end it all turned out OK. What happened to him? Dropped out of school to pursue his music.
2. Lippy Broadhurst. A year and a half? He was different. Hyper-intelligent but also hyper-depressed. We got on really well because we shared this half-life in an non-existent third space, both tortured artistic souls too smart for the world around us. We became so involved in each other that the world around us sort of ceased to exist. It was perfect for a while. I was his first girlfriend, he lost his virginity to me, he was all about big romantic expensive gestures, part of the reason I guess that my romantic expectations are spoilt today...eventually he became very clingy, perhaps as in my way I was sort of half-engaged with dusk (a factor that's kind of spilled into all of my relationships ever since) and he could tell I was drifting away. Perhaps it was just depression, a disease that kicked up. He became reserved and reclusive, stopped seeing any of his friends, stopped going to school, didn't listen to his parents/teachers/anyone...but me. I was his sole activity and I did well with it for a while, looking after him, trying to get him to keep going to school, taking him out, he became all I did with my time...but eventually I couldn't do it anymore, I couldn't shed anymore tears forcing someone to live a life they didn't want to live, I couldn't keep letting him suck the life out of me as well, I couldn't be his mother for him. I broke up with him, as kindly as I could. No one ever saw him again. Well, his family did, but literally none of us, or his friends ever did. He dropped out of school and he still hasn't gone back. I blamed myself for the longest of times, and even now I still dream about him...feeling guilty for destroying him.
3.Dusk I can't really give a timespan for this one, because it sort of overlapped everything else, and to an extent is still going on today. It was never really a relationship, either. No Terms were ever set, no lines ever very clearly drawn. What happened between us is as close as I've ever got to love at first sight. It might have played out as a normal relationship if we'd lived in the same place but after we met we lived on different land-masses (hint, hint), which is why there was a blurry-overlap with my other relationships. I can't describe our relationship because it's not as paltry as all the others because it's real friendship, something transcendental that I literally could not describe. It confuses our close friends and family. It never began, it never ended. He was very smart, very fun, very interesting/interested. It goes here because it went into the sexual but romantic relationships are, as ever, doomed to fail. And it did, and it took us a long time to get over that and go back to being friends. It's hard not to be physical together sometimes but I genuinely feel that it's better to deny ourselves a part in order to preserve the whole. He doesn't feel that way, which makes things...hard. He is definitely a huge reason why my romantic expectations are so skewed.
4. ARJ. About a year. Because of dusk, the circumstances of entering in to this one were...bad. Hard. The Reason 3 sort of ended. I regret the manner in which it happened. Deeply. But I can't regret that it happened. He was a hyper-intelligent, hyper-depressed recluse. I was attracted to him because I could see I got on with him so well on an intellectual level and wanted to draw him out on a social level, show him how fun life could be. In a way I suppose I gave him hope; our relationship brought him out of a crippling depression. I'm not sure if part of me was trying to atone for Lippy. in the beginning but the relationship grew to be mutually beneficial. We both had radical viewpoints (mine very liberal, his verging on sociopathic) but we shared our thoughts and learned so much from each other, both smashing the other's naivety in so many ways. It was not a passionate relationship. It was very critical and very hard at times but eventually moulded me in a positive way. It ended for many reasons. I guess one of the main ones was that its continued existence was keeping dusk. from my life. However, the break up was mutual; no passionate end for the passionless. I think we felt we had taken enough from one another and were ready to move on.
5. Le Noof. This one wasn't going to be put in, because again, it was never a relationship. It was from here I think that all my relationships with men became frivolous; I became unable to commit. We would have been together (I think this was something he desperately wanted) but I just couldn't. Having been through too much heart-ache, having known such Great Minds and thought such Deep Things I couldn't bear another relationship. I was more attractive and more intelligent than him. He was blindly obsessed with me, but I had out-grown his type. I treated him quite badly I suppose, I strung him along for the ego-boost/companionship and had sex with him but I couldn't offer him more. I think I broke his heart. I didn't feel responsible, because I had been Honest about my feelings from the start. Really though, I did care.
6. Not wanting a repeat of le Noof (desperate to be hurt and not to hurt?) 6. is a whole series of men who I couldn't be serious enough with to even count them as separate entities as they all overlap/ didn't go on for long enough/didn't shape me in any way other than to shatter my naivety about pick-up lines and found my post-coital feeling of rejection/ depression.
7. Shawty went on alongside Pratchett for a while. but ended before it so goes here. A tough one to explain. I may have been drawn to him at first through boredom, perhaps I was sick of number 6s and wanted another taste of something le noofy? Maybe I was just ready for something/anything non-frivolous. Of course he had a girlfriend (although I wasn't actually aware of that at first) so perhaps part of me saw it as a bit of a challenge. Also I think I may have spotted the reclusive traits of Lippy&ARJ that for some reason I've been so attracted to trying to change. HOWEVER, that stuff is all probably subconscious and was only really why it started. It only went on for like a month, but I think I mini-fell in love with him. He was funny and fun and good chat and I thought he shared that special third space with me. But perhaps I was delusional. It ended because I ended up caring more about him than he about me, and we both agreed that this was probably bad. He didn't fight for me. I imagine I saw more to him than was actually there and he's kind of why I'm conducting this study, trying to figure out how I possibly got everything so skewed. In one of the first conversations we ever had he said something like "I bet you've met loads of people like me before, but I've never met anyone like you". Maybe that's why I see smacks of Lippy, ARJ & le Noof in him and maybe that's why I fell for him? But hey maybe I'm just RIDICULOUSLY OVER-THINKING THINGS (as per) and actually he was just pretty cool and I should just be happy I met someone like that.
8. This is Pratchett, btw I've been seeing/screwing him for about 2 months. He's pretty fun, into music, into drugs (OH HELLO COMBAT PANTS NICE TO SEE YOU THERE). I'm not sure why I'm with him, like he's quite good as a friend for fun and bants, and he's good for sex but he's so not interesting enough to be my boyfriend. He's also not smart enough. I guess that's why we're in this limbo-friends-with-benefits thing. Perhaps he feels the same way about me. Like, he doesn't even know me, really. He knows the superficial laughing part of me but we've never had a real conversation, you know? It works, I guess. It's just so...boring. It makes me feel kinda shitty when I think about it because there's surely someone out there who gets me, but maybe that's just because I suffered mini-heartbreak from mini-love with mini-7.
AMENDMENT: we had a chat and I expressed these feelings. Turns out he actually mega-likes me and has only been playing. So maybe the reason I find it so difficult to break with him because he gives me noof-ego boost? I NEED TO STOP
Perhaps I need to take a break from men in general. Wait until I find someone who is a) really smart, b) really good looking, c) really romantic, d) really rich. Phyeah. Because that's going to happen. FML.
Apologies to Kike, ATM Guy, Gabriel, Tennis. You didn't make the cut.
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